As I sit here in this chair, over a week after the birth of our sweet baby boy I'm continually overcome with emotions as I look through the pictures of his birth and re-experience every moment. Playing them back in my mind over and over again so they stay vividly clear in my memories. This pregnancy and birth experience has truly changed my life.
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+ Although I had a healthy pregnancy and took care of my body by nourishing it with wholesome foods, resting when I needed to rest and exercising daily in ways that honored it- there were points in the pregnancy that were not easy. Charlie was a surprise and that in itself was a big change to work through, but not only that I did have some complications in mid-pregnancy that I never talked about, until now. I contemplated being open about it for so long, but I feel like it belongs in his birth story because every moment puts us where we are today.
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Back in early March, I had experienced some extreme bleeding the night we had gotten back from our trip from Hawaii. Heavy bleeding to the point in which I thought with relative certainty that I had just experienced a second trimester miscarriage.. I went to see my midwife the next morning to figure out what was going on and she eased my fears by saying that the baby was perfectly okay, but she wasn't quite sure where the bleeding was coming from.
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After a trip to the high risk specialist it was confirmed that the baby was doing just fine and the bleeding was caused by a subchoronic hematoma inside of my uterus that would likely resolve itself with bed rest in a few weeks. Thankfully it wasn't anything to be overly concerned about. However, the specialist stated that my cervix was on the cusp of being classified as short and according to them there were "potential" risks associated with that for pre-term delivery which could classify me as a high risk patient. They wanted to continue seeing me for multiple follow up visits which only sent me into an anxious spiral because of the continued intervention and monitoring for something we couldn't control.
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To say I felt disconnected from my body in those following weeks was an understatement. I experienced a deep sorrow and depression that was so hard to pull myself out of. I felt betrayed by my body that I had taken such great care of and I couldn't figure out why. I ended up being on bed rest for 2 weeks, with another 2 weeks of very light activity. Being as active as I am, all of this was so hard for me to cope with...
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But I leaned on John and sought out help with a counselor. I worked through it and came out so much stronger. I decided that it didn't matter what anyone said because at the end of the day, like the specialist and my midwife first said, our baby was perfectly fine. Why put myself through the added stress of continuing to see a high risk specialist for something that we couldn't control. The outcome wouldn't change so why do it in the first place? For me, that wasn't the answer.
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What I realized was that I didn't need anyone to constantly tell me that things were okay because I deep down I knew that. I knew that my body would tell me if something was seriously wrong. It never betrayed me, I just needed to become more aware of its cues and what it was saying.
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I decided from then on I was going to rely heavily on my own intuition to guide me through the rest of this pregnancy. I was going to truly take full responsibility for this experience. Nobody could do this work for me, I had to do it for myself. I explained all of this to my midwife and she was so understanding of my decision.
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+ To deepen that connection with my body, one night in early May I had a dream about our baby. John and I were in a kindergarten classroom and we were looking at our baby's desk but we couldn't see a name. It only said Cheatham. But then, I heard a voice that I knew was Charlie's and he said, "Don't worry mom, I'm on my way and I might be a little early but I'll be okay."
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If that's not a sign from the universe that you're on the right path I don't know what is.
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I say all of this in hopes to empower and encourage someone who may be where I was when I saw those two little pink lines. Lost, anxious and uncertain of her own capabilities to become a mother and truly have the birth experience she wanted. But, I'm here to tell you it's possible. Your body knows what to do. You don't need to be scared.
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Surround yourself with people who believe in you, educate yourself on all your options and make informed decisions, lean into your own intuition, trust yourself and your body, breathe and relax. I promise you that once you embrace that deep motherly knowing and gaze into your sweet baby's eyes you'll never doubt yourself again.
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